Bullshit at the Data Lakehouse

Move over big data hubris and data lake stupidity there’s a newer, thicker and far bigger arsehole on the block. And it goes by the unbelievably idiotic name of data lakehouse. It is being hailed as a new paradigm but is, in reality, a naive, dishonest and disruptive fraud. So what’s occurring?

The gutter-snipes, hustlers and useless pundits who failed to make big data and data lakes the success of the 2010s have set their vulture-eyed sights on data warehousing. It’s not smart, it is not funny, and it does no one any service.

So, what in the name of Sam Hill makes these snake-oil merchants engage in this crass, irresponsible and reckless nonsense? And why do they insist on targeting data warehousing?

Why? Because it is their unique differentiator. And snake-oil merchants are, well, snake-oil merchants. And because these pundits have placed so much faith in big data technology that they simply can’t let go. Big data technology is their comfort blanket. So, they are using a new angle to try and flog technology very few people need. To solve the challenges that they don’t have. And using data that has no intrinsic value. Clearly, they understand the technologies even less than they understand the issues and opportunities that need to be addressed. And they certainly don’t understand the data.

Anyway, these jokers will be sure to fail again as they have failed so miserably in the past. Because physics is physics and facts are facts and sows ears will never be silk purses. No matter what the bullshit magic-quadrants, the virtuous-circles or the hype-cycles say.

However, “Yes, they say. A data warehouse is all very well for structured data, but what about all of that unstructured data and semi-structured data that companies have?” Dudes! We have Textual ETL for that! And guess what, in decision making and relevant data terms? Your most valuable data is still in your operational systems. If that isn’t highly structured, then heaven knows what your operational systems look like. But, seriously, the big guys analyzing unstructured data as part of their business model are very few and far between. And most others don’t need it. And you can take that to the bank.

Then again, some folk fret about data, technology and brands. Like as if data warehousing can’t hack data related to brands? And you’d need Spark, data streaming from social media and the Hadoop ecosphere to make that magic sauce work. But here’s the rub. All this talk about the importance of brands, online interactive advertising and understanding sentiment is bullshit. Or as Bob Hoffman put it “You’re passionate about BRANDS? Dude, get a f***ing girlfriend.” So, data lakehousers, you’re poor losers on that point too.

Seriously, folk. I wish I could have a good word to say about data lakehouses and their proponents, but I don’t.

The lakehousers’ genuinely imprudent ideas about data architecture, engineering and management have been resurrected from the remnants of yellow elephant and its dodgy ecosphere. And again the big data twits are targeting data warehousing to take it down and replace it with their poor, absurd and ultimately unimplementable vision of a data dystopia. But still, one more time, in their ignorance, arrogance and lack of depth, they are wrong

You see, there’s a big difference between data warehousing and the data lakehousing.

Data warehouses are what business demands, analysts formulate, architects design, engineers build and project teams deliver. They are made in the real world, as a response to practical requirements and they provide tangible business benefits. It’s a coherent, rational and well-engineered approach to providing data to support decision making.

On the other hand, data lakehouses (like the big data and data lake tripe that preceded it) is what management consultants design, build and deliver.